Every 365 days we get a chance to wash ourselves from the icky grime of failed Tinder dates, cringey drunk texts, and stupid couples’ fights and start anew. 2017 is no different. Hurrah for the new year, because I know I’ve made some pretty horrible mistakes in 2016- especially ones pertaining to my love life. I’m looking forward to starting over this year, learning from my mistakes from the last year and moving forward. And what about the rest of the Dorks staff? Here are our dating reflections of 2016 and our New Year’s resolutions for 2017.
As of 2017 what is your relationship status:
Chris –In a committed and happy relationship
Thomas – Single, happily living with the parentals while intimately having late nights with Pokémon.
Stephen – Single with the occasional date; nothing too serious.
Neil – Looking for love in a strip club. Just kidding, happily taken.
Kat – Single, in the traditional sense, but I don’t subscribe to relationship labels. I hang out/sleep with this guy who I met off the internet. He’s pretty cool. We’re close friends and we like it that way.
What is your most embarrassing relationship/dating story from 2016:
Chris – Luckily for me, it’s hard for me to get embarrassed. Also, my partner takes everything I do in stride and loves me for my silly ways.
Thomas – Is it embarrassing to have no relationship slash dating story? Or is it that just sad? Well, there was this one late night in February when I forgot the lube and I got really mad at myself, but I forgave myself and went ahead and let myself have some. I really like myself.
Stephen – Went on a date with a girl who neglected to tell me that she was a transvestite. I wasn’t ready for that…
Neil – That moment the cool, charming, suave facade I put up was revealed to be a front.
Kat – I was hanging out with the guy (the aforementioned one that I met from the internet) one day. He does this thing where he farts and he thinks it’s hilarious. One day we were laying in bed and he just lets it rip. I mean it sounded like fireworks were going off in the room. I shoot him a dirty look and he responds by turning the situation on me. “Hey, at least I’m honest about my bodily functions. I’ve never heard you fart before and we hang out all the time.” I dismissively respond, “I don’t do that because I’m a lady.” Instead of dropping it, he continues, “No, I bet you just hold it in and let it out softly whenever you can.” HISSSSSSSSSSS He makes a hissing sound with his mouth. I immediately start laughing uncontrollably because that’s exactly what I do. He fucking called me out. “NO I DON’T!” My voice is like 8 octaves too high and my face is bright red. I have no poker face. “YES YOU DO! YES YOU DO! OH MY GOD I CALLED IT DIDN’T I?” At this point he’s practically jumping on the bed, his stupid face is red with glee. I don’t know what to do. I’m doubled over laughing. He swoops over, hugs me and continues teasing me, “JUST LET IT OUT, KAT! It’s not good for you to hold it in!!” He gives me one last squeeze and… WOMPPPPPP! I guess the combination of him squeezing me, me laughing so hard, and us talking about farts made me fart. I don’t know. He dropped me immediately and we both looked at each other for a minute. “I felt it vibrate,” he whispered dramatically. “My whole body literally vibrated from that.” He cracks up. I laugh and cry at the same time out of confusion and embarrassment. Eventually, I calm down and just lay there. He said one last thing and it was never mentioned again, “Lady indeed… Jesus Christ.”
In one sentence what have you learned about dating/relationship from 2016?
Chris – What my partner needs from me being in a long distance relationship.
Thomas – I enjoy the company of me and my hand and as long as I got Lopunny, everything’s gonna be okay.
Stephen – Find a girl (or guy) you respect and respects you. Single with the occasional date; nothing too serious.
Neil – Tinder is not all that great, having something consistent is.
Kat – Friendships are relationships in disguise. Don’t invest too much into the relationship part and focus on nurturing the friendship.
What are your relationship/dating New Year’s resolutions for 2017?
Chris – To become the kind of man that my partner wants, not just needs.
Thomas – I’m gonna use more lube… for my hand and maybe complete the Alolan dex. If no one else gives me the attention that I want, then I’m gonna give it up to myself. Treat yo self.
Stephen – I wouldn’t mind getting serious. Dating around is fun and all, but it’d be nice to not have to go on another First Date again.
Neil – My new year’s resolutions are pretty simple and singular – don’t become a dad.
Kat – To have a successful 3 some – 2 girls, one guy. For the win.
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