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Dating for Dorks: Get Over Her

by Kat Liu

“I broke up with my ex about 3 months ago and have tried to get over her, but haven’t really found someone to make me forget about the way we used to be. Should I be open with her, tell her how I feel, or just keep having meaningless sex until I feel better?”

– 50shadesofheartbreak

Dating for Dorks: Get Over Her. Photo by Neil Bui.

Dating for Dorks: Get Over Her. Photo by Neil Bui.

If your two options are: 1) Opening up to her and expressing your inability to move on from the relationship or 2) Keep having meaningless sex until you feel better, then my answer, in short, is meaningless sex for the win. With that being said, the two options you’ve given yourself are pretty shitty– with the second being slightly less shitty.

Here’s why:

Opening Up To Her

Best case scenario, she feels sorry for you, looks sincerely upon your tear-stained  face, reaches over to squeeze your clammy ass hand and tells you some eloquent digression of , “It’s not you, it’s me. And we can never be.” And  BAM. She’s effectively shot you down  AND it rhymed. 1 point for sensitivity, 1 point for style. 0 points for you, because you’re still heartbroken with your metaphorical dick in your hand.

Worst case scenario she gets annoyed at your attempt to reconcile–because duh if you really loved her then you would let her fly free like that bird in the Lynard Skynard song. You bicker back and forth about whose fault the breakup was and it ends with her saying “Fine, it was all my fault, but I wouldn’t have [cheated, been so distant, made a Tinder account, whatever] if you weren’t such a beta-bitch all the time.” She pauses one last time before leaving only  to pantomime sobbing while making a stroking motion with her cupped hand- giving an award winning reenactment of what you may look like crying while using your tears as lube.

Most likely your experience will fall somewhere between these two extremes– she’ll probably feel a little sorry for you, enough to hear you out, but what will that accomplish? Spoiler alert, nothing. Not only that, but you’re burdening her with your sadness. Do you really want to be that guy who lives by the mantra, “Misery loves company”?

That leaves having meaningless sex. This is the marginally better option because it does not involve unloading all your anger, confusion, devastation  onto someone else (even if you feel like it’s merited). But meaningful sex will not heal you. It will, at best, help you pass the time. And that, unfortunately, is the only thing that will make you feel better. Time, that is. Cliches exist because they’re true. Gross.

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