Dating for Dorks: An Undelivered Love Note

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An Undelivered Love Note Written by my Little Brother with Footnotes 

Yesterday while poking around my old room (which my little brother took over the minute I left home), I found a folded sheet of paper tucked between the pages of one of my brother’s old trigonometry books. I thought I had hit a gold mine when I found his (virtually untouched) books on the shelf just BEGGING to be sold online, but the real gem was what was written on the piece of paper that I found. IT WAS A LOVE NOTE. No, even better, what looked like to be the first draft of a love note. How could I tell it was a first draft? There were notes scribbled on the side, words and phrases crossed out, not to mention the fact that it never actually made it into the hands of the intended recipient, Asuka. Or maybe after he wrote the letter he chickened out and never actually delivered it. Who cares? We are the clear winners here. We, as in you and me. Because I’m going to share the letter with you.

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Dear Asuka,

I’m writing you this poem letter because I think you need to know how I feel. ¹

Even though Andrew told me not to say anything to you, but that is because I think he likes you too, even more than me. ²

For all I know he is writing a love note to you, too. (_{A little paranoia is healthy}) And then you will have to choose between me and Andrew. ³ I hope you pick me because Andrew is always flirting with girls and I know you are not the only one he likes.  ⁴

Remember when in Mrs. Droppleman’s class you made fun of me for having a “dumb” stare? ⁵ Well it’s because that’s how people start looking when they are in love. AKA I am in love with you. ⁶ You can trust that I’m in love with you because if you haven’t noticed I am very mature for my age. ⁷

I’m sure you have noticed, because I can tell you are smart. ⁸ That’s why you are in gifted math. Next year I will be in gifted math with you, too. ⁹

I didn’t eat breakfast the day of the test and I forgot to bring my number 2 pencils so they probably counted the questions as wrong. ¹⁰ You know it’s important to fill out your test in number two pencils it’s no joke! ¹¹

Is it okay if we sit next to each other at lunch? ¹²

On pizza stick day my mom gives me extra money to get two pizza sticks and I can share half of my second pizza stick with you so we can each have 1/2 pizza stick. ¹³

I will only do that on one condition. (_{Oh, wow. Conditional pizza sticks- the gift that keeps on giving}) When I sit down at lunch you have to come sit next to me, not the other way around. This is because I usually sit down first and if you sit down and then I get up to sit next to you, it will look weird. ¹⁴

This way will be better trust me Asuka! ¹⁵

I guess before we make lunch plans you can write me back and let me know if you like me too. It’s okay if you like Andrew, as long as you like me more. (_{That’s actually a really open-minded compromise from an 11-year-old. Or desperate.})

I’m sure once Andrew figures that out, he won’t like you anymore and you’ll be all mine. (_{Or evil.}) Don’t tell Andrew I wrote you or said anything about him because he’s my best friend. It would make me happy if you were my girlfriend and he was still my best friend. (_{Evin wanted to have his cake and eat it too, confirmed.})

Oh, and if you do decide to be my girlfriend we have to keep it a secret. My mom and dad won’t be OK with us being in love. (_{Not sure if they would be more not okay with him being in love or being a manipulative friend or peddling pizza sticks for love}) My sister is OK because I watched her leave the house in the middle of the night once and I’m pretty sure she won’t tell on me because she doesn’t want to make me mad. (_{Apparently, he also completed the course Principals of Blackmail 101. Little prick})

Let me know if my deal sounds good to you.

Love,

Evin

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1. He crossed out ‘poem’ and then wrote ‘letter’. I’m guessing he started out with the intention of being a young Shakespeare but decided it was either too cheesy or too hard and settled on writing a love note.
2. Geez, he doesn’t even warm up to throwing his best friend under the bus.
3. Never too early to throw out a good old ultimatum.
4. Clearly, this is where Evin draws the line with backstabbing his best friend, although I’m not entirely sure whether he crossed it out because he was trying to protect Andrew or himself from looking too desperate.
5. Mrs. Droppleman was his 6th-grade teacher, so I’m guessing he was in 6th grade (11-years-old) when he wrote this.
6. I don’t think my brother was completely clear on what the acronym AKA meant.
7. I don’t know why but I’m imagining my 11-year-old brother saying this while wearing a cape and holding a pipe.
8. Annnnnd he follows up the brag with a compliment. Man, did this kid go to pick-up artist school?
9. hashtag goals.
10. Ok he might have gone to pick-up artist school, but clearly didn’t take any logic classes. His reasoning seems a bit wonky, even for a 6th grader.
11. Follow up wonky reasoning with a half-assed attempt to sound wise, noiiiiceeee Evin.
12. YES! A call to action. Little man ain’t afraid!
13. I’m pretty sure he meant 1-and-a-half pizza sticks- because if she got a pizza stick and he gave her half of his, then they would each have 1.5. Unless he completely failed at the math, which just adds to the hilarity. Clearly no gifted math for you next year.
14. “It will look weird”= it will look like I have a crush on you= not happening if you want my pizza sticks
15. Yea, trust him Asuka. Just like Andrew trusted my brother not to be a shitty friend. Oh, wait.

If you’re reading this, Evin- I’m sorry. SORRY THAT I’M NOT SORRY HAHAHAHAHA